Verse 6 - Lesson learnt

Get to hear her voice today. I was emo as always, specially when i am talking to her and knowing that she's not my girl anymore. I was afraid of alot of things, ridiculous things i guess.

She said that she has enuff troubles already and asked me not to pressure her more. Maybe she didn't get what the whole conversation was about? i dunno... i just wanted her to know that, i understand, she wanted to be single and have fun, she dun wanna go back to those days where she had to worry about our relationship.

She said she was suffocating being with me and wasn't happy at all. I disagree to that, cos i know, i've seen her smile, hear her laughter alot of time when we're together... I dunno what happen to us, maybe becos there are alot of sad times as well.

I really wanted to change all that. She told me that i wasn't the one she wanted to marry in the future. She dun see any changes when we're together. I disagree tho i didn't say much, maybe i couldn't as she was already very suffocating.

I realize now what blogs are about, its a diary yes, but i've never tried writing down before. It actually releases alot of stress in ur mind. Aside from that, you get to be true to yourself, u get to write down how u truely feel, write down what u truely wanted to say without messing it out.

I just wanna say this:

Baby, i know u're suffocating, i know, thus i tried to make it better for u. But i was too late. You told me before that u really wanted to marry me, that's why i disagree to what u said today. I understand why u're having doubts, and i understand why u're saying no. That's why until now, i couldn't let u go...

I know exactly how i should treat u, but i was too lazy to bother when i have u around, i thought that u should be understanding and everything and i never realize that i should be the one being understanding at certain time. I should know better...

You say that i never change, but you didn't realize the changes that's been made already.
You say its not easy to change, then so you should know that it takes time.
You say why so xing ku, i guess i should really tell you, i never regreted changing for you.

Xing ku or not, its something that i must do to be a better person, to be a better husband in the future. My thoughts will always be the same, if there's a problem with my attitude, i'll proudly change for you.

Maybe you are still abit young to understand, that changes are what makes this relationship advance to the next level.

Its been a long time since i was sweet to you huh? u gave me so much hints and even told me up front and u thought i ignored it. I didn't baby, i didn't, i was really planning already, i just needed to save up 1st in order to get u the things that u'd love.

I know everything can be different after that surprise, but sadly it never happened. Maybe you are rite, maybe zhen de shi you yuan mei fen.

-end-

Before i hung up the fon with her, i told her to keep the ring safely, cos one day, i'll put it on her finger formally, one day wo men yuan fen yi ding hui zai lai.

She said she wanted to buy a fon "sony ericsson w508" but the color she wanted "white" was out of stock already in most shops. She almost gave up trying to look for it =.= *well that's the way she is...

Ended up, me looking all over for it. I know i haven't been a good bf to her for quite sometimes, this is one thing i really wanna do for her, maybe its a start of everything that i should do for her from now on. If it weren't for this break up, i might never have realize the mistakes i made, and i might never had thought of taking care of her properly in the future. All i know is, thinking that she should be the one understanding, never thought that i should be understanding at times as well... regrets filled this heart of mine now, and i swore never to let it happen again.

In the end, i found the fon she was looking for and abit of complication turned up. I dun even have the heart to quarrel with her anymore, cos i know her too well by now. Like i said, i know exactly how to treat her, but i couldn't be bothered when i'm with her. A lesson learnt indeed.

Went to gym, and after that, hand it to her personally outside her house. I said she look like a tomboy tho, hahaha didn't know where that came from =.= who am i kidding rite, she looked very feminine to me =.= really wanted to give her a kiss on the cheek before going, but her frens are around... wtheck, i guess she wouldn't let me either *sigh*

Ah well, i guess that's about it for today. I'll never forget the lesson i've learn today:

I learn that seeing her happy was the only thing i wanted.
I learn that i was suffocating her alot and its not what she should be feeling right now.
I learn that she has alot of personal problems which i never had the chance to even share with her.
I learn that i should do a better job as a boyfriend.
I learn that i should never had treated her the way i didn't intended to, now she dun see me as a person she wants to live with anymore =.=
I learn that if i want her to see how i really wanted to treat her, i should start now, not when i got her back.
I learn that she doesn't wanna take the risk of going back to where she had to be worried all the time and being hurt by words i said wrongly.
I learn that it is ok if we're apart, I'll be her guardian angel.

And i finally learn and understood the words "yuan fen" and "zi hui".

I never believe that moving on was the answer to everything. There's something that held us together for 3 and a half years and i believe that by learning the mistakes, we can treat each other better.

We've really been through alot, and from day 1 till now, there are dramatic changes. Its such a waste to just stop here now. Specially when there's only one step left to take.

There's no guarantee that we won't quarrel in the future as well, i mean, which couples never quarrel rite? Those that never did, never lasted long anyways =.=.

But i'll make the happy days more than the sad days from now on, just u all watch.

gd nite ppl,
152 <3